“Let me press it!” If you have a young child, you may have heard this the moment the lift doors open. It does not matter if the building has 10 floors or if you have taken the same lift five times that day. Your child still wants to be the one who reaches out, finds the button and presses it.And if another person gets there first, the reaction can sometimes seem surprisingly big.
30 Sept 2026 | 13:16
Does your child come to you when upset, or do they prefer to deal with their emotions alone?
A child may complain, become upset or insist on pressing the button on the next floor. To an adult, this can look like a child simply wanting their way. But developmental psychology offers another way of looking at such small, repetitive behaviours: children often value the feeling of having some control over what happens around them.The lift button itself is not the important part. What matters may be the experience of saying, “I can do this.”
It is a tiny moment of autonomy
One of the central ideas in Self-Determination Theory, developed by psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, is that people have basic psychological needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness. Autonomy refers to experiencing some sense of choice and ownership over one’s actions, while competence is the feeling that one can successfully do something.For a young child, opportunities to exercise these abilities are often limited.Adults decide when the family leaves home, which road they take, what the child eats, when it is time to bathe, when they have to stop playing and when it is time to sleep. Even when these decisions are necessary, children have relatively little control over their day.So a button that is right at their height and responds immediately to their action can be strangely satisfying.They press it – and something happens.The light comes on. The lift moves. The number on the display changes.For a child, that is a very concrete experience of cause and effect: “I did something, and the world responded.”That does not mean every child who insists on pressing the lift button is consciously looking for autonomy. Nor does it mean parents should interpret an ordinary preference as a psychological problem. Rather, it is one example of how children naturally look for manageable ways to participate in the world around them.
Pressing the lift button can give children a small sense of independence and control.
“I can do it” matters too
There is another layer to the behaviour: competence.Children are constantly learning what they can and cannot do. Everyday tasks – opening a door, carrying a small bag, putting on shoes, pouring water or pressing a button – allow them to test their abilities.Research based on Self-Determination Theory consistently distinguishes competence from simply being allowed to make choices. Children need to feel that they can successfully act on their environment too.A 2024 meta-analysis examining 637 samples and more than 388,000 participants found broad associations between psychological-need support and positive outcomes in educational settings. Autonomy and competence support emerged as important parts of environments that help motivation and wellbeing.For a child, therefore, “I want to press the button” can sometimes be less about the button and more about the satisfaction of completing a small task independently.
Why children can get upset when someone else presses it
This is where parents can sometimes misunderstand the behaviour.An adult may think: It is only a lift button. Why are you crying?But children do not always experience the situation with the same scale of importance as adults.If the child has mentally taken ownership of the task – I am going to press the button – another person doing it can mean that the child has suddenly lost the little role they had assigned themselves.This is especially understandable in younger children, whose emotional regulation is still developing.The appropriate response does not have to be giving in every time.A parent can acknowledge the disappointment without making the child the decision-maker in every situation: “You really wanted to press it. Someone got there first. We can press it next time.”That response does two things at once. It recognises the child’s desire for agency while also teaching them that wanting control and having control are not always the same thing.
Give children small areas where they really can decide
The lesson from the lift button is not that parents should allow children to control every little situation.In fact, children also need structure and predictable boundaries. The more useful approach is to identify safe, age-appropriate areas where they genuinely can have a say.“Do you want the blue cup or the green one?”“Would you like to put your shoes on first or your jacket?”“Do you want to carry the keys or the water bottle?”“Would you like to press the lift button?”These choices are small, but they communicate something important: Your actions matter.Research on autonomy-supportive parenting describes this approach as supporting a child’s capacity to be self-initiating while still providing structure and limits.A 2026 longitudinal study also found that parental autonomy support predicted higher children’s self-concept of ability in literacy and mathematics, suggesting that supportive environments can influence how children see their own capabilities.
The goal is not to say “yes” every time
There is a difference between supporting autonomy and giving children whatever they demand.If another person is already standing next to the lift panel, or if pressing a particular button is unsafe, the parent does not need to hand over the task just to avoid a tantrum.Instead, the child can be given a clear boundary and, where possible, another opportunity for participation.“You can’t press that one because the person is already there. You can press the button when we go down.”This is important because healthy autonomy develops within structure. Children need both opportunities to make choices and adults who provide limits they cannot yet manage for themselves.A systematic review of parenting research published in 2026 similarly found that satisfaction of psychological needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness is associated with more supportive parenting experiences.
So, the next time they race for the button…
You do not have to stop and analyse your child’s behaviour every time they insist on pressing the lift button.Sometimes, they simply like pressing buttons.But if you notice how often children seek these tiny opportunities to participate – wanting to pour the water, carry the keys, choose the spoon, open the door or press the lift button – there is a useful parenting insight hiding in plain sight.Children are not only asking, “Can I do this?”They may also be practising the much bigger idea behind it:“Can I make something happen on my own?”And whenever it is safe and appropriate, giving them small chances to experience that feeling can be one simple way of helping them grow into children who do not just wait for adults to do everything for them, but gradually learn to act, choose and try for themselves.
