Infatuation is a fairly common experience and one that is often mistaken for love in young minds. Sometimes, it can get out of hand and turn into an involuntary obsession that actively affects our lives in a negative way.
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Taking to Instagram on March 19, Jeff Guenther, a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, explained this phenomenon as limerence. He further elaborated on why we experience it and how to stop it.
What is limerence?
As Jeff explained, “Limerence is the sort of involuntary obsessive infatuation where your whole dumb brain gets hijacked by one person you’re really into. You’re not just thinking about them. They’re like living in your head rent-free.”
This usually involves overanalysing every text, every look, and every interaction. One can also find themselves overwhelmed while trying to decide whether or not they should view the social media stories of the person that they are obsessed with.
“And the worst part, the more unavailable they (the person of obsession) are typically, the more intense it gets,” noted Jeff. He also explained how limerence is different from a “normal” crush.
According to the therapist, the normal ‘feeling the butterflies’ is exciting, light, fun, and only a little anxious. Even if the person experiencing them is nervous, they are still in full control of their faculties.
“Limerence feels more like a hostage situation,” stated Jeff. “Your mood is completely dependent on what they do or don’t do. And there’s this undercurrent of anxiety that never really goes away.”
Why do we experience limerence?
For many people, lemerence is not at all about the person with whom they are obsessed. Rather, it is about an empty space within them that has been there since childhood, claimed Jeff.
“If you grow up with parents or caregivers who are inconsistent, sometimes warm, sometimes cold, sometimes just emotionally gone, sometimes abusive, sometimes lovingish, your nervous system learned that love is something you chase, something you earn, something that’s always just slightly out of reach,” he elaborated.
Thus, many children in such households learn to escape into fantasy and idealisation because reality is too hard. While it is a good survival technique during childhood, it can continue into adulthood in the form of limerence.
In this case, as a growing adult, one can build an entire relationship in one’s head with someone who may not even know that they like them.
How to get rid of limerence?
There are steps that one can take to actively get out of limerence, noted the therapist. The three steps that he shared are listed as follows.
1. Start reality testing
“You’re not obsessed with who this person actually is. You’re obsessed with a projection,” shared Jeff. The best course of action in this situation is to intentionally notice the flaws and inconsistencies of the person that one is obsessed with.
2. Cut off the information supply
“Every time you check their socials or replay your last interaction (in mind), you’re dosing yourself,” observed Jeff. To get rid of limerence, one needs to stop feeding their obsession.
3. Look into the empty spots in life
Limerence rushes to fill a vacancy in our lives. It is important for an individual to recognise what those vacancies are and figure out what else can fill them instead of the obsession.
However, these steps will only help to cope with the situation. Jeff shared that to get rid of limerence permanently, it is important to get to the grief and “mourn the love you deserved as a kid but never got. Because until you do that, the obsession just finds a new face. Different person, same wound.”
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.
This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.
