Hello and welcome to another edition of Offside. Today was a particularly bad day for Japan and Germany, who were both eliminated on the same day, a result we haven’t seen since World War II.Of course, Japan gave Brazil a mighty scare before the Seleção rallied because they dare not anger Carlo Ancelotti’s raised eyebrow. To be fair, it was almost as intense as the race wars on Twitter that started ever since the Brazil vs Japan showdown was announced.Japan cut Brazil open early, with Kaishu Sano giving them the lead, and in the first half Brazil didn’t look like a nation that worshipped at the altar of the footballing gods. However, in the second half, after a twitch of Ancelotti’s eyebrows, they piled on the pressure and scored in ways that would have been familiar to Premier League fans.
First, Casemiro, who just finished his contract at Man Utd, decided to head the ball in the way he had been doing all season to grab an equaliser. And then, just when Japan thought extra time was beckoning, Gabriel Martinelli, who knows a thing or two about haramball, decided to put matters to rest and broke every Japanese heart in the stadium.Meanwhile, Paraguay beat Germany at their own game — penalty shootouts — which will give some credence to the notion that the former has imbibed some Germanic culture after hosting a few folks back in the day. But the truly shocking takeaway is that this is the first time in World Cup history that Germany lost to a team in a penalty shootout.Germany played football but Paraguay’s defensive wall refused to bend. Julio Enciso gave Paraguay the lead before Kai Havertz dragged Germany back. Jonathan Tah thought he had won it in extra time, but VAR decided to break German hearts, much to the thrill of English supporters across the world. Paraguay brought the crowbar and took apart the machine. Germany had 75% possession and still went home. Somewhere, every football cliché about German penalties just quietly deleted itself.
Finally, Morocco and the Netherlands played out a penalty shootout that should have had both sides wearing Stormtrooper outfits. For those who aren’t familiar with Star Wars folklore, the running joke is that Stormtroopers are terrible shooters, and both Moroccans and the Dutch appeared to be rooting for the Empire as they proceeded to miss penalty after penalty, which saw Morocco somehow scramble past the finish line after a display that could only be labelled haramball.Cody Gakpo gave the Dutch the lead and, for a while, it looked like the Oranje had finally patched the dam. Then Issa Diop rose in stoppage time, headed Morocco back from the dead, and sent the match into extra time. The Dutch then did what the Dutch do best: turned a promising World Cup into a philosophical crisis. Morocco held their nerve from the spot and moved on.Now, to call it an upset would be harsh given Morocco are ranked above the Dutch, but it was still a famous win for an African nation over a storied European team.
And now for tomorrow’s action — starting with the heavyweight clash.
Matchday Action: France vs Sweden
July 1, 2:30am IST
France vs Sweden has the vibe of a Track II dialogue from the OG Treaty of Westphalia, when Europe’s powers decided how to divide up the land. The famous BBC skit on the subject had France, repped by Hugh Laurie, and Sweden, repped by James Dreyfus, arguing about who gets Luxembourg, which the Swedes think would be excellent to store their pickled herring. So far, France have been treating the World Cup like Napoleon waltzing through Europe. Sweden are organised, physical and stubborn, which is useful, though slightly less useful when Kylian Mbappe, Ousmane Dembele and Michael Olise are running at you. This is the first match between the two storied team, a sort of Westphalia with wingers.Warrior WatchFrance will look to Mbappe for the obvious violence and Dembele for the chaos. Not to mention all the other players who can make any team sweat. Sweden will need Alexander Isak and Viktor Gyokeres to turn rare moments into actual danger. Funnily enough, this is the first time Sweden will meet France in a World Cup match.BattleplanFrance want speed, width and enough movement to toy with Sweden’s defensive shape. Sweden might no longer have an obvious star like Zlatan Ibrahimovic, but they have more discipline now. Sweden can trouble France by turning the match into a queue at immigration: slow, narrow and deeply annoying. They need to deny Mbappe open grass, force Dembele into crowded lanes, and make every French attack go through two yellow shirts before it reaches the box. France love speed. Sweden’s best hope is to make them play at furniture-moving pace, then wait for a set-piece, a loose clearance or one Isak run to make the luxury tank wobble.Dinner table conversationFrance have all the riches to eat both bread and cake, but all good things can come to an end. Just ask Germany.
Matchday Action: Ivory Coast vs Norway
June 30, 10:30pm IST
It’s a travesty Didier Drogba has retired because Haaland vs Drogba would have been a remarkable battle to watch between two huge Premier League legends.Warrior WatchNorway will look to Haaland, because obviously. Ivory Coast will look to Ousmane Diomande to survive the examination, while Nicolas Pepe, Yan Diomande and Ange-Yoan Bonny give them enough forward options to avoid turning this into a Viking siege. And Amad Diallo can be counted on to step up just when Ivory Coast look like they are about to lose.BattleplanNorway’s plan is simple: get the ball near Haaland and let physics deal with the rest. Martin Odegaard has to find the pockets before Ivory Coast can make the game messy.Ivory Coast need to defend bravely without defending stupidly. If they sit too deep, Haaland will start treating the box like private property. If they push too high, Norway will send him into open grass. The key battle is Ivory Coast’s athleticism against Norway’s inevitability. Ivory Coast need chaos. Norway need one clean delivery.Dinner table conversationHaaland has spent the tournament looking like a man playing against nephews in the garden. Ivory Coast have the speed, talent and nerve to make this awkward. But awkward is one thing. Stopping Haaland is another.
Matchday Action: Mexico vs Ecuador
July 1, 6:30am IST
Mexico at the Azteca is less a home advantage and more a civic pressure cooker. They have won three out of three, scored six and conceded none, and yet their fans are unhappy. Ecuador, meanwhile, looked half-gone before beating Germany and suddenly remembering that World Cups reward late plot twists.Warrior WatchMexico will look to their defence first, because clean sheets are the new tequila. Ecuador will look to Nilson Angulo and Gonzalo Plata, the men who dragged them back from the cliff against Germany.BattleplanMexico want patience, possession and the crowd slowly turning the match into a fever dream. If they score first, Ecuador will have to chase a game in a stadium that does not do calm.Ecuador need to survive the noise, break quickly and force Mexico into a different kind of match. Their best chance is to make the hosts feel the weight of the occasion before the Azteca starts doing the work for them.Dinner table conversationMexico have the clean sheets, the crowd and the mythology. Ecuador have already come back from the dead once. But that will be harder in the hallowed Azteca, which evokes a civilisational memory.
Meme Watch
Thanks to @averma12, @vinit_shenoy and @n_aficionado for today’s memes. If you want to submit a meme, tag @nonsesicalnemo on X (Twitter) and tweet with #TOIOFFSIDE 1) The Axis Powers are out2) Havertz paying respect to Haramball3) Player of the Match4) Brazil vs Japan fan wars5) The stadium cleaning crew
