Are you among those who always say sorry, to the point where any minor inconvenience has a string of apologies rolling off your tongue almost as an instinct? Why does this behaviour happen?
We asked Dr Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist, coach, and founder and director of Gateway of Healing, to shed light on this habit and simplify why people apologise. She clarified that it is not about manners, even if you may think saying sorry is about being nice.
There’s an underlying psychological mechanism at play here. The tendency to over-apologise is not rare or abnormal. It is quite common. The psychotherapist believed it is quite common to come across such over-apologisers.
She said, “Most people know someone who apologises all the time, for taking up space, for asking a question, for existing in a way that might inconvenience someone else.”
Now, it is not only about mannerisms. Apologising may misleadingly make you seem empathetic and caring, but the expert ruled out the possibility of over-apologising being about manners. It may seem considerate, but it should not be an automatic response to everyday situations.
Dr Tugnait added, “While it can look like excessive politeness on the surface, chronic apologising is rarely about manners. It’s usually about something that happened much earlier, and the pattern it left behind in that person.”
The expert listed out the reasons why people overapologise, outlining the process and patterns:
1. Learned way to avoid conflict
- For a lot of people, apologising early and often was genuinely useful at some point.
- In households where conflict was unpredictable, where a parent’s mood could shift without warning, or where love felt conditional on being agreeable, a quick apology became a way of managing the atmosphere before it could turn negative.
- It worked then, but the problem is that the nervous system doesn’t automatically update that strategy when the environment changes.
2. Feeling like a burden
- Chronic apologisers may believe their needs, opinions, and presence inconvenience others.
- Saying sorry becomes a way to avoid rejection and make themselves easier to accommodate.
3. Confusing people-pleasing with kindness
- Confusing apologising and keeping others comfortable can feel considerate.
- But this comes at the cost of repeatedly overlooking one’s own needs.
4. Fear of setting boundaries
- Past experiences teach over-apologisers to associate expressing their needs with conflict.
- They may apologise when setting a boundary in order to soften it, or avoid stating the boundary altogether.
The expert summed up by reminding that chronic apologising is not about manners or being polite and encouraged unlearning the habit: “Unlearning chronic apologising isn’t about becoming less considerate. It’s about slowly building the belief that your presence doesn’t require a disclaimer, and that taking up space isn’t something you owe anyone an explanation for.”
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.
