Women are often praised for being kind, selfless and emotionally available, but these expectations can sometimes come at a cost. Social and cultural conditioning teaches many girls from an early age to seek approval, avoid conflict and put others’ needs ahead of their own. Over time, this can make it difficult to set boundaries, express emotions or advocate for themselves. (Also read: It’s not ‘just stress’: 3 silent mental health red flags hiding behind everyday fatigue, worry and self-doubt )
In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Devina Kaur, Mental Health Educator, Certified NLP Coach, Meditation Teacher, and Author, explained why many women feel pressured to be “nice” all the time and how social conditioning shapes this behaviour from an early age.
“Girls are taught from a very young age that being ‘nice’ is one of the most valuable qualities they possess. They are praised for being kind, helpful, and accommodating. From childhood through adulthood, many women are conditioned to place the needs and approval of others above their own needs, opinions, and well-being,” says Devina.
How social conditioning shapes women’s behaviour
Devina explains that cultural and societal messages play a major role in reinforcing these expectations. “Boys and girls are often rewarded for different behaviours from an early age. Girls frequently hear messages such as ‘Don’t argue’, ‘Dress modestly’, ‘Eat less so you don’t become fat’, or ‘Don’t laugh loudly’. In contrast, boys are often encouraged to be ambitious, outspoken, and competitive.”
She says that repeated exposure to such messages can shape how women view themselves and their role in society. “Over time, women may begin to believe that their value lies in being helpful, selfless, and emotionally available to everyone around them. This can create a tendency to prioritise the needs of others while neglecting their own emotional and physical needs.”
The expectation often extends into family life, where women are viewed as primary caregivers and emotional anchors. “In many families, women are expected to be the nurturers and emotional pillars. The ideal woman is often portrayed as someone who gracefully manages responsibilities while remaining endlessly patient, understanding, and kind.”
The pressure to be agreeable at work and in relationships
The demand to be “nice” does not stop at home. According to Devina, it frequently carries over into professional environments as well. “Women are often expected to be polite, accommodating, and non-confrontational in the workplace. They may feel pressured to soften their opinions, apologise unnecessarily, or avoid appearing assertive. Many worry that setting boundaries or speaking up could negatively impact their relationships with colleagues, managers, or clients.”
As a result, many women end up taking on additional responsibilities or staying silent when they should be advocating for themselves. “To maintain an image of agreeability, women may accept extra work, suppress their feelings, or minimise their own needs. Over time, this can become emotionally exhausting, especially when combined with the demands of careers, family responsibilities, relationships, and personal aspirations.”
Kindness and self-sacrifice are not the same thing
Devina emphasises that genuine kindness should not come at the cost of one’s identity or mental health. “Being authentic and being ‘nice’ are not the same thing. True compassion includes the ability to set healthy boundaries, express emotions honestly, and say no when necessary. Self-respect and open communication create healthier, more balanced relationships than constant self-sacrifice.”
She believes society must broaden its definition of what makes women valuable. “We need to create spaces where girls and women are appreciated not only for being nice but also for being confident, capable, outspoken, and authentic. This begins with teaching them to value their voices, trust their instincts, and stand up for themselves without guilt.”
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.
