Relationships are not always a walk in the park. It is often a series of learning experiences that also tests the maturity of the individuals involved. One of the things that couples often need to learn is the difference between “privacy” and “secrecy.”
Not being on the same page with their definitions has caused fights among more couples than one may bother to count. Taking to Instagram on April 4, Jeff Guenther, a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, explained the difference between them with examples so that individuals, especially “straight men,” can be clear on the two concepts.
Example 1. Who you are talking to
According to Jeff, privacy means that a partner does not need to know every person on an individual’s contact list. However, in this context, secrecy is when the partner specifically asks, “Who is that?” And instead of answering, the individual responds, “Just a friend,” and changes the subject, just because the complete answer would require a conversation that they do not want to have.
Example 2. Your past
Being private means that an individual does not have to share everything that they have gone through in life with their partner on the very first day. On the other hand, secrecy is when the individual has “a kid, a previous marriage,” or something that is directly their partner’s business, but they have decided that the other party does not get to know.
Example 3. Money
A person’s salary, their savings, and what they spend on themselves are their private affair. However, one engages in secrecy when one does not disclose things such as debt that is going to become their partner’s problem in the future.
Example 4. The relationship
Privacy in a relationship is an individual’s “inner world,” shared Jeff. Secrecy is when one of the partners has “checked out” and not informed the other person about it. Every day that one partner delays sharing the truth, the other is investing more into something that is already “half left.”
Example 5. Therapy
Being private about therapy is not sharing verbatim what the conversation has been with the therapist. On the other hand, secrecy is when one partner has been in therapy for an extended period, working on something that directly affects their relationship, but not giving the information to their partner.
“Privacy protects you. Secrecy protects the situation. Secrecy is withholding information about yourself that your partner needs in order to decide if (they) even want to be with you,” explained Jeff. “That’s not protecting yourself; that’s controlling what (they are) allowed to know so (they) can’t make a real choice.”
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.
