Everyone takes their own time getting comfortable in a relationship and developing strong feelings for the other person. However, some people realise that the time they take is much too short, and that they usually fall hard for their partners in the early days of dating. The result is, more often than not, heartbreak.
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Taking to Instagram on September 19, Jeff Guenther, therapist and couples counsellor with over 20 years of experience, shared five rules that one can follow to get out of this habit. They are presented as follows.
Rule 1: No dating a fictional character
Jeff described his “no dating a fictional character rule” by saying, “If you’re ever like, I just know how they feel about me, and it feels so good: No, you don’t. Actually, every time you think you know how they feel or how they react to something, remind yourself, ah, you don’t know s**t.”
What this rule actually means is that one should not get attached to a person whom they have conjured up in their mind. So when it comes to knowing someone’s feelings in the early dating stages, if they do not express it, it does not count.
Rule 2: Go look for what’s annoying about them
If a person is falling hard for someone early, a good way to pace themselves would be to find something about the other person that they do not enjoy. That does not mean sabotaging them or creating an ick list; it just means acknowledging the flaws and imperfections that make them human.
“You can only fall hard for the idea of one who’s perfect. Be annoyed sometimes. It’s important,” stated the therapist.
Rule 3: No future casting before there’s a real past
“You don’t get to picture the shared apartment until you’ve seen them tired, wrong, stressed, hangry, hurt, disappointed, and have their advances rejected at least once each,” expressed Jeff. “That’s the entry fee before you get to imagine the rest of your life together.”
Rule 4: Cancel absolutely nothing for them for 6 weeks
Jeff stressed the fact that one should not be cancelling any plans for their new partner in the first six weeks of dating. He explained that this is because the urge to cancel on a friend is the earliest measurable symptom of being more attached to a person than you really should be.
Rule 5: Stay in the ‘I don’t know yet’ feeling.
“Are they your person? I don’t know yet. Are they going to hurt you? I don’t know yet. Is this the one that finally works? I don’t know yet. The uncertainty of ‘I don’t know’ yet feels horrible, but it’s instantly solved if you just decide that they’re your soulmate. So, I don’t know yet is the correct answer to everything,” expressed Jeff. “Don’t resolve it early in either direction.”
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.
This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.
Jeff Guenther is a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, Oregon. He has a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from the University of Southern California and a bachelor’s degree in child and family development from San Diego State University.
