In one of my coaching sessions with a 32-year-old Ivy League graduate — let’s call her Sanya — she said that she has this underlying unhappiness with life in general. Sanya hopes that getting married might be the solution to this problem. With years of experience seeing single people find their partners and hand-holding them through the arc of their relationship, Sanya’s statement disturbed me.
Those of us who have navigated marriage know that there are many things for which we can depend on our partners, but some remain out of the realm of that dependency.
Happiness is definitely one of them.
You will share happiness that will come from achievements, holidays, small and big gestures of love and care by your partner. But the state of happiness Sanya was talking about seems almost unachievable by another human being except your own self.
I’d equate our happy state of mind to an illness or disease one might be suffering from. We have to fight it on our own. Only we have to go through the pain and suffering caused by our disease. The medication or treatment can only be taken by us. Your partner can be there beside you, holding your hand, managing your medication, caring for your comfort and being supportive in every way possible. But the real work of fighting the illness has to be done by you and your own body.
Let’s take the example of depression, especially post-partum, which is very common.
Radhika, 34, delivered her son six months ago. She is a health care professional and is well aware of her condition. Her partner supports her in every way possible. From giving her long breaks from caring for the baby to identifying and handling her triggers appropriately.
Yet it’s not the only thing that’s helping Radhika get out of her depression. The work required is being done by Radhika with the help of a professional counsellor.
This included stepping out with friends to reconnect with her pre-child life and even coaching sessions with me on how to keep her relationship strong now that they have a baby. Radhika’s partner supports whatever she needs to do to help her feel a bit more centred, as motherhood can be quite overwhelming for many young mothers.
It’s so important, therefore, to have the right expectations from marriage and your partner.
There should be love, companionship, respect, loyalty, compassion, intimacy and the effort to keep the spark alive.
But your happy state of mind is your own responsibility. Your partner can be your companion and a great support to get you there but they he/she cannot do it for you. I think it’s time we changed the narrative of how our fairy tales end from “they lived happily ever after” to “they found their way to stay happy together.”
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach. Email simran@floh.in. The views expressed are personal)
