Breakups can make you feel utterly miserable, almost like a sharp punch to the gut as you process it, and a shard of glass lodged in your chest. The emotional pain can begin to feel physical. The end of a relationship may also leave you feeling dispirited, emotionally distressed, and mentally exhausted for days or weeks. Like any other form of grief, heartbreak can bring waves of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, though these emotions are not necessarily in one linear, fixed order.
During periods of anger, you may find yourself revisiting every moment when you felt disrespected, undervalued, mistreated, or betrayed. Each memory can reopen the wound, bringing back all the hurt and resentment you felt when it happened. Sometimes, forgiving the person who caused that pain may feel neither possible nor fair.
At the same time, you are also exposed to a barrage of well-meaning advice telling you to ‘forgive and forget,’ and that it might help to move on. But, from a very human standpoint, forgiveness can feel impossible sometimes.
Do you really need to forgive your ex to move on?
So, do you really need to forgive your ex to heal and move on? What does a mental health expert have to say on this? We talked to Dr Surabhi Mathur, a consultant psychiatrist at Narayana Hospital, Jaipur, who said that forgiveness may not be a prerequisite for emotional recovery.
What should be the main focus of your healing journey? You may believe that you need to forgive the person to close that chapter and move on, but this is not always necessary. The psychiatrist agreed that forgiveness is not a prerequisite for healing emotionally and mentally after a breakup.
She said,“ You don’t need to forgive your ex to move on. Healing is more about how you relate to yourself than how you feel about the other person.”
In fact, healing does not have a fixed course or a single definition. As Dr Mathur shared, “Healing is sometimes forgiveness. Sometimes it looks like acceptance. Sometimes it’s just about getting to a point where you don’t need anything from the person who hurt you to feel at peace.”
This means your recovery does not have to depend on receiving an apology, explanation, or accountability from your ex. Healing is about you, your ability to accept that the relationship is over and your journey towards reclaiming your emotional space.
The psychiatrist also noted that, yes, forgiveness sometimes can be part of healing, but not the main essence. She said, “You don’t have to forgive someone to know that you deserved better, to set boundaries, or to decide to move on.”
4 things you need to know about moving on without forgiving your ex
Finally, we asked Dr Mathur to highlight four essential things to keep in mind about forgiveness and emotional healing:
1. Forgiveness is not a prerequisite to moving on
- For some, forgiveness is a useful step in the healing process following a breakup, but it is not a universal psychological need. It’s okay to believe that someone hurt you, to choose not to have them in your life, and still live a healthy and fulfilling life.
- Moving on does not mean believing that what someone did was okay. It can simply mean saying, ‘What happened to me no longer affects my life.’
2. Healing is not forgetting or approving
- A common misconception is that you must completely release anger in order to heal. Difficult emotions can actually be a part of the recovery process.
- It is possible to still feel angry, disappointed or hurt when you think about the relationship. The aim is not to eliminate those feelings in one fell swoop, but to understand them and work through them over time, so they are not as disruptive to your daily life.
- Acceptance can be different from forgiveness. It’s okay to accept that the relationship is over and to accept what has happened without excusing the actions that hurt you.
3. Sometimes forced forgiveness can be a hindrance
- When someone says to themselves, ‘I need to forgive my ex in order to heal,’ they might be burying feelings that need to be addressed.
- Forgiveness is most helpful when it is a personal decision, not a social obligation. It can eventually provide relief or lessen resentment for some.
- For others, creating emotional space, setting limits, and coming to terms with the past can be more significant.
4. There is no set time frame for emotional healing
- The actual objective is to regain your emotional space.
- Rather than asking, ‘Have I forgiven my ex yet?’, a better question might be, ‘How much space does this relationship still take up in my life?’
What does healing look like?
How do you rebuild your routine after a breakup? When someone has been part of your life for a long time, their sudden absence can disturb your routine and leave behind a noticeable, restless void.
Dr Mathur advised what to do: “Healing may include reestablishing routines, reconnecting with friends and family, rediscovering interests, and finding a sense of self outside of the relationship.”
She also recommended seeking psychiatric or psychological support to process grief, anger, or intrusive thoughts, especially when these feelings begin to interfere with everyday life.
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice.
