Finding the right partner isn’t always about having a successful career or serious intentions. Sometimes, a lack of clarity about future plans can become the biggest obstacle.
In a June 26 Instagram post, Oendrila Kapoor, matchmaker and dating coach, shared the story of a 34-year-old software engineer based in the US who wanted to settle down with an Indian partner. Despite being clear about wanting to return to India eventually, he found it difficult to build lasting connections and Oendrila explained why. (Also read: ‘He’s not your boyfriend yet’: Relationship coach shares 8 ways to stop overgiving in the early stages of dating )
The problem wasn’t his intention, it was the uncertainty
According to Oendrila, the man had ruled out dating Indian women already living abroad because he planned to move back to India permanently. “A 34-year-old software engineer from the US came to us for matchmaking, and he was very clear about one thing, he eventually wanted to settle in India. That meant the pool of Indian women already living abroad was completely out of the question because they weren’t interested in moving back to India.”
He then began speaking to women based in India, but those conversations also failed to progress. “Within a couple of months, things would fizzle out. So I asked him what he had told these women about his plans to move back to India. He said, ‘I’ve told them I definitely want to come back.’ Then I asked whether he had given them any timeline. He said, ‘Maybe end of this year, maybe next year, it all depends on work.’ That was the problem.”
Why clarity matters more than good intentions
Oendrila explained that while the man believed he was being transparent, the woman he was speaking to saw the situation very differently. “The women already living abroad couldn’t consider him because he was going back. And the women in India couldn’t consider him either because there was no visibility on when he was going to move. From his perspective, he was being honest. But from her perspective, she was being asked to invest months in a man she had never met, had no clarity on when she would meet him, whether she would have to move to the US, or even start a long-distance marriage.”
She advised that certainty doesn’t always require an exact date, but it does require direction. “I told him that you don’t need to promise anybody an exact date, but you do need to offer a more realistic direction. This is something I see with so many Indian men living abroad. They feel that being successful and serious about marriage is enough. But seriousness without any clarity still feels like uncertainty to a woman.”
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