There is a muchness to love that makes it one of the most exhilarating things a person can experience. In its first flush, it can have the effect of possessing us completely.
We may attempt to work, catch up on chores or hang out with friends, but all the while this knowledge that someone is in love with us hums deliciously, and distractingly, in the background.
The science of what happens to the brain on love is objectively wild. Dopamine levels shoot up, prompting feelings of euphoria and obsession. A neurochemical cocktail with markers not unlike those associated with addiction can make the urge to be with the person feel like a physical compulsion. For most of us, this eventually settles into steadier rhythms, thankfully; with highs persisting from physical contact and other forms of endearment.
The reason I go into all this is simply to say that love matters.
It forms the foundation of every happy life I have encountered.
Which is why it concerns me when, of all the things to get in the way of love — and there are plenty of valid ones, from mismatched value systems, priorities or personalities to life goals that are at variance with one another — caste, wealth, skin tone and other absurd social constructs serve as a breaking point.
I know of two people, let’s call them Diksha and Pradyut, who currently face a situation of this kind. She is 27, pursuing a Master’s degree. He is 29 and studied at the same college. She grew up in Lucknow; he is from Assam. Their families see how in love they are, and are happy for them to marry.
The hesitation comes from Diksha. “Pradyut is not the kind of man I ever thought I’d end up with,” she said, in a recent session. She pictured herself marrying someone who was tall, like her; fair, like she is; as extroverted and charming. As she recites her list, she apologises, over and over, for how vain she sounds.
“I don’t even know how I fell in love with him,” she then adds. “He slowly crept into my heart, and now I can’t imagine being without him.”
Now, here’s the thing. Science indicates that there are two key reasons a person will fall in love with a specific individual. The first, to put it bluntly, is some form of lust. We respond to the person’s appearance. The second is what is often thought of as the jigsaw-puzzle effect. The two pieces may be similar or dissimilar, but they fit together in a way that clicks; we find in this new person something that was missing in our lives.
In Pradyut’s case, he tends to her, Diksha says, like she is precious. He is more sensitive to her needs than she is; kinder with her than she tends to be to herself. “The chemistry is great,” she adds.
In other words, she knows exactly why she loves him. What she doesn’t know is how to explain it to everyone else.
In coming sessions, we plan to explore whose judgement she most fears. My guess, from past experience, is that it will be the kinds of friends who take one aside and ask: “Really? I thought you were going for tall, fair and sort of like Hrithik Roshan.”
For the sake of those moments of discomfort, among people whose judgement we may fear but whose values we do not think very highly of, there are those who would jeopardise a lifetime of joy.
It’s bad enough when we choose our cars this way; or the schools to which we send our children. Endangering love for the sake of bragging rights is a slippery slope, and the fall seals us into a superficial life. To people who view the world in such terms, happiness holds little value. Ask yourself if this is how you want to live too.
It isn’t just a question of values, I feel compelled to add (since values hold so little worth in our world). Such a choice is unwise because happiness lies in the dopamine highs and the lazy afternoons spent, years later, with someone whom you would still choose over all others.
It is unwise because true affection lasts, and kindness and goodness are rare; while assets are easy enough to amass, and lose; and looks will most certainly fade.
Thankfully, simply hearing themselves say what is on their minds cures most of my clients of these worries. State the case out loud and the absurdity of it becomes undeniable.
What disheartens me is that more couples are reaching this point, harried by an aggressively superficial social-media-led world, and by the kinds of individuals who will say: “Aren’t you worried about how the children will turn out?” or “Why are you really with her?”
Don’t be those people. Not the ones asking the questions, or those feeling compelled to answer. Pause, breathe and try telling it like it is instead: “Why wouldn’t you want me to be happy?”
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@ floh.in. The views expressed are personal)
