Relationships often begin with the promise of forever, but keeping a marriage strong can require far more than love alone. Over time, small disagreements, unmet expectations and unresolved issues can quietly create distance between partners.
With 25 years of experience in divorce and family law, divorce lawyer James J Sexton has had a front-row seat to more than 1,000 high-conflict divorces in New York. In the August 10 Money Rehab with Nicole Lapin podcast, James opened up about what he has learned from watching thousands of relationships end. (Also read: From swipes to self-worth: Dating coach reveals how apps are changing confidence and communication )
Love needs maintenance, not just commitment
“Love isn’t permanently gifted. It’s loaned, with some very limited preventative maintenance,” James said. According to the divorce lawyer, maintaining a marriage isn’t about grand romantic gestures or expensive solutions. Much like managing money, it’s the small, consistent habits that can make the biggest difference over time.
“Every marriage has a prenup. It’s either one written by the government, or one written by the two people who claim to love each other most,” he said.
After years of handling high-conflict separations, James has seen just how complicated the end of a marriage can become, from prenups with weight clauses to multimillion-dollar disputes over assets and even fights over who gets to keep the family dog.
Don’t let small problems become big ones
But beneath the dramatic courtroom battles, he says, many marriages share a much simpler problem: small issues were ignored for too long. “The couples who make it are not the ones without problems. They are the ones who deal with the small stuff before it becomes the big stuff,” James explained.
For couples, that means paying attention to the everyday details of a relationship instead of assuming love will take care of itself. “You don’t need a course. There’s no product to buy. It’s really about paying attention and making small preventative maintenance choices, every single day,” he said.
James’ biggest takeaway from decades in divorce court is therefore less about avoiding conflict altogether and more about addressing it early. Communication, attention and small acts of maintenance may not feel significant in the moment, but neglecting them can allow resentment and disconnection to build.
After seeing thousands of marriages end, his message is clear: a strong relationship isn’t necessarily one without problems, it’s one where the problems don’t get ignored.
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