In the hallowed halls of the Supreme Court this week, a singular sentence pierced through the dense legal jargon of the dowry death case, refocusing the national lens on the precarious state of marriage in India. “A divorced daughter is better than a dead one,” remarked solicitor general Tushar Mehta. Also read | 43-year-old unmarried Indian woman living alone gets honest about being single by choice: ‘In love with my freedom’
It was a blunt, sombre acknowledgement of a national crisis: India reportedly recorded 5,737 dowry deaths in 2024. For many women, the marital home — often romanticised as a sanctuary — has become a site of terminal endurance.
The architecture of freedom for women
Dr Pretty Duggar Gupta, a consultant psychiatrist at Aster Whitefield Hospital, Bengaluru argued that preventing these tragedies requires a fundamental shift in how parents prepare their daughters for life. She suggested that the traditional focus on ‘the big day’ is fundamentally flawed.
“The best protection parents can give a daughter is not a lavish wedding, but the psychological freedom and financial ability to leave harm without fear,” Dr Duggar Gupta said in an interview with HT Lifestyle. “A daughter with savings, property, employable skills, and emotional backing is far less likely to normalise violence as an adjustment. Safety, not sacrifice, should be the foundation of marriage, she added.
Breaking the ‘paraya dhan’ narrative
According to Dr Duggar Gupta, the conditioning that traps women often begins in childhood through subtle linguistic cues. The notion that a daughter is ‘temporary’ in her natal home creates a psychological cage. “Parents must consciously stop using phrases like ‘your real home is your husband’s house,’” Dr Duggar Gupta said, adding, “When daughters are repeatedly told that their parental home is temporary, many internalise guilt about returning, even during abuse.”
To counter this, she suggested that ‘belonging must be unconditional’, demonstrated through tangible actions like keeping her childhood room intact, involving her in family decisions post-marriage, and verbally reinforcing: “You never lose your place here.”
Identifying the ‘quiet’ abuse
Abuse rarely begins with a blow; it begins with a boundary being crossed, Dr Duggar Gupta highlighted as she spoke about the importance of a ‘pre-marital safety talk’ to help daughters identify gaslighting and coercive control. “A lot of abusive relationships start kind of quietly… like constant criticism that’s dressed up as concern, monitoring expenses, checking phones ‘just because,’ or getting her to doubt her own memory and judgment,” she noted.
“Psychiatrists often say gaslighting is among the strongest psychological control tools because it slowly chews away self-trust,” Dr Duggar Gupta added. She urged parents to be explicit: “Daughters need to hear it plainly that emotional abuse, coercion, dowry pressure, physical violence, or forced financial dependence are real, solid reasons to leave.”
Financial autonomy as life insurance
While gold and grand venues are traditional, they offer little utility in a crisis. Dr Duggar Gupta advocated for shifting wedding budgets into immovable assets or liquid, sole-access emergency funds: “A grand wedding lasts days. Financial ownership can protect a woman for decades.” She added, “A sole-access emergency fund is not secrecy within marriage; it is safety planning. Many women cannot leave harmful homes because they lack immediate access to money for transport, legal aid, or housing.”
The ‘log kya kahenge’ trap
The greatest barrier to a daughter’s safety is often her parents’ fear of social stigma. Dr Duggar Gupta warned that when families worry about ‘log kya kahenge (what people will say)’, they unintentionally lock the door from the outside. “‘The door is always open’ must be demonstrated through behaviour, not slogans,” she insisted.
“Families should respond calmly when daughters share their discomfort rather than dismissing it. Women seek help earlier when they know they will not be judged or emotionally punished for choosing safety over social appearances,” Dr Duggar Gupta shared.
A new definition of dignity
Ultimately, the goal is not to discourage marriage, but to strip away the ‘normalisation of suffering’. “The concern is not marriage itself but the normalisation of suffering in the name of preserving it,” Dr Duggar Gupta said.
She concluded: “A daughter’s safety should never depend on her tolerance for suffering. The healthiest families are not those that preserve appearances at all costs, but those that make dignity, emotional safety, and unconditional belonging non-negotiable.”
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional advice.
