Elvis the Alien. Film reviewer Marc Salov watched the Twilight movie (2008) and declared that he’d had “mosquito bites that were more passionate than this undead, unrequited, and altogether unfun pseudo-romantic riff on Romeo and Juliet.” Elvis the Alien (Elvis JS Phillps), went a step further by performing his review in a sparkly skin suit to poke fun at the vampires and their pale powdery skin.
Roger Ebert. The GOAT reviewed over 10,000 movies from 1967 to 2013. Here’s what he thought of Valentine’s Day (2010): “It’s more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do not date that person again. And if you like it, there may not be a second date.” His takedown of the 1996 film Mad Dog Time: It “doesn’t improve on the sight of a blank screen viewed for the same length of time (93 minutes),” actually makes us want to watch it.
Fish Jelly Film Reviews. Nick and Joseph do tell-it-all spoilers and focus on a queer perspective. Joseph thought the horror flick Mortuary Assistant (2026) felt “like being plopped into the middle of a weird conversation in a language you’re not completely fluent in”. He reviewed the new Wuthering Heights too, and didn’t outright hate it. “How many people are attracted to the one who degrades them” – that hit hard, Joseph.
Chris Stuckmann. His channel, Hilariocity, scrapes the bottom of the barrel for reviews. Who knew there was a 1990 Captain America, featuring the superhero as “a cornball cheesy idiot” stuck in “an elongated TV soap opera with a couple of horrible randomly filmed action sequences”. Here’s his description of The Wicker Man, “Nick Cage in a bear suit is punching an old woman in the face”. Can’t unsee it now.
Critical Drinker. Star Wars: The Acolyte (2024) has a healthy rating of 79 on Rotten Tomatoes. But this guy’s take is more telling. He calls the show an “absolutely fascinating trainwreck”. The characters, he says “are not people, they are just empty vessels for modern corporate marketing, spewing out tired platitudes and behaving with all the emotional complexity of a toddler.” Finally, the Lucasverse cut down to size.
Amanda the Jedi. Women reviewers face more trolling and fight harder to prove themselves. Amanda does a lot of heavy lifting with her sardonic commentary. She finds Wolf Man (2025) “kind of funny in a sad way”, because Blake (played by Christopher Abbott) eats his own flesh, losing more teeth. Of course she reviewed the disastrous musical Cats (2019). “I’d rather watch Swiped all day on repeat than experience one minute of Cats again in my life.”
Spooky Astronauts. Emma offers spoiler-free commentary on horror and thriller movies. Yes, she sat through The Bride (2026), and filmed her review in the car, in the cinema’s parking lot. She references the OG Boris Karloff version. But in this one, she says Christian Bale’s monster seemed more goofy and slapstick than scary. “It’s a Frankenstein of a film,” she says. “There are different things thrown together… you have to sew them together to make a complete picture”. We love a good metaphor.
Fanboyflicks. Mark reviews, analyses “so bad it’s good” cinema. In Troll 2 (1990), he jokes that viewers should watch this movie to achieve “enlightenment” and points out at the outset, that the Troll movie has no trolls, only goblins. Its ridiculous dialogue delivery feels like “a middle-school play”. He also pokes fun at police officers who not only offer the goblins a free ride but smushed green sandwiches too.
Double Toasted. Korey Coleman and Martin Thomas’s reviews have energetic banter, hilarious critique and candid, scathing takes. They mocked Flight Of Fury’s (2007) terrible, “teleporting” editing, which gave the fight-based film the vibe of a slapstick parody. A Wrinkle in Time (2018) was roasted as a “drug-induced insanity” experience, with a confusing story and bizarre visual effects.
Jeremy Jahns. Keep up. Jahns’s delivery is fast-paced, high-energy, straightforward and often sardonic. He uses his own review scale for the films, which ranges from “Awesometacular” to “Sipping on a Diet Coke” (mixed/okay) and “A Waste of Time.” Recently, he scathingly described Strangers Trilogy (Chapter 3, 2026) as “a candidate for one of the worst film trilogies of all time.” Where’s the lie?
From HT Brunch, March 14, 2026
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