Those of us who are active on social media are likely to have come across a graph on various meme pages that shows the probability of divorce in same-sex and heterosexual marriages based on data collected over 20 years.
It is often used by people to argue that women are bad at relationships, as the graph shows that over two decades, 59 percent of female-female married couples end up divorcing. For heterosexual female-male couples, the number is 39 percent, while for male-male couples, it is the lowest at 29 percent.
This makes it easy for people to claim that females are the problem in relationships. However, that is not the correct reading of the data, according to Jeff Guenther, a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland. Taking to Instagram on March 28, he explained what the graph actually signifies.
Marriages often do not work for women…
The data set that the viral graph is based on was built by Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld, stated Jeff. The same person also discovered that women initiate 69 percent of heterosexual divorces. However, when one looks at non-marital breakups, there is no gap between men and women in initiating.
“So, it’s not women. It’s marriage specifically that isn’t working for women,” explained the therapist. “Rosenfeld said it himself: marriage has been slow to catch up with gender equality. Husbands still expect wives to do most of the housework and child care. And the numbers back that up.”
Jeff noted that the average woman gains seven hours of housework per week after getting married. At the same time, her husband loses an hour and is found to be doing less. And both of them are expected to be fine with the setting.
Men often refuse to leave marriages…
According to Jeff, “marriage structurally benefits men more in health, wealth, overall wellbeing, which is probably why men don’t leave. Not because they’re deeply committed, but because they have less reason to go.”
However, he has another explanation for why the percentage of male-male marriages ending in divorce is just 29. Jeff noted that two men form the most stable pairing “because men are conditioned to stay, to not name what’s wrong, to white-knuckle through a bad relationship because being alone feels worse than being miserable. That’s not stability; that’s just someone who won’t leave.”
Women have higher relational standards
One of the reasons for women being the initiators of divorce is that women have higher relational standards, observed Jeff, adding that they are better at identifying when something is not working.
“Research shows women actually thrive after divorce: higher life satisfaction, higher sexual satisfaction, less desire to have a partner. Two women in a relationship are two people who are both willing to walk when it’s not good enough. That’s going to produce more endings,” stated the therapist.
“But that’s not a failure of women; that’s women refusing to perform happiness they don’t have to. The graph isn’t proof that women destroy relationships. It might be proof that men stay in ones that they should have left years ago.”
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional advice. It is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.
