Relationships are complex, measured in red flags and green flags. In this discombobulated equation, it is also fair when one attempts to categorise and catalogue behaviour during dating, whether someone is respecting your boundaries or gaslighting you into disbelief.
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To put it simply and lessen the jargon, a green flag is a sign that a person’s behaviour is respectful and emotionally healthy, while a red flag is a warning sign of unhealthy and disrespectful behaviour.
While one may be quick to classify, define, and, in general, make sense of mixed signals, there are many quieter and easier-to-miss signs, too.
Mumbai-based mental health counsellor Kareena Mehta, founder and psychotherapist at Kare Counselling, helped explain quiet red flags that can be so subtle that they may not seem prominent enough to recognise or sort into a clear category at first.
Mumbai-based mental health counsellor Kareena Mehta explains why quiet red flags in relationships are frequently ignored, and how being more aware of them earlier can promote emotional security.
“Not all toxic relationships start with blatant disrespect, fights, or disloyalty. The initial ‘red flags’ can be much more discreet. They can often appear as unapparent patterns that are easy to ignore at first, simply because they don’t seem ‘toxic enough.’ An individual may not explicitly act in an insensitive way,” the physiotherapist said.
This means toxic patterns do not always announce themselves through something strong, like aggression or humiliation. They can begin with something really subtle.
The physiotherapist outlined these signs and why you need to be wary of them:
1. They disregard your feelings as an overreaction
- Responses like ‘You’re so emotional,’ ‘Don’t overthink it,’ or ‘Why are you so sensitive?’ are problematic, especially when one is trying to convey their feelings. It causes self-doubt.
- Mutual regard for each other’s emotional experiences is important
2. They only show up based on their convenience
- Care feels one-sided when a partner is available only on their own terms.
- Shows up in behaviours like inconsistent replies, lack of initiative in making plans or emotional availability only when it benefits them.
- Many ignore because partners appear kind, affectionate or caring in the moments they do show up.
- Care is not built on convenience; it’s built on consistency.
3. They make you feel guilty for having boundaries
- This sign is subtle: the partner reacts poorly to simple, reasonable boundaries.
- For example: you need space, or simply don’t want to talk about it, they may often get offended by it and respond with silence, shame, humour, or even complete emotional retreat.
- Boundaries are not rejection; they are a mechanism to help protect your emotions and take some time to reflect
- A secure partner could be disappointed, but would never disrespect your decision.
4. Their jokes are continually based on your insecurities
- Humour and sarcasm are common ways for couples to bond, but they should not come at the cost of emotional safety.
- Playful teasing and disrespect towards insecurities repeatedly are not justified.
- Frequent remarks on your physical appearance, intellect, life choices, or insecurities may constantly be labelled as ‘just a joke.’
- When these are brushed off as ‘just a joke,’ which can make you feel like you are too senstive for feeling hurt.
- The issue is not whether your partner finds it funny. The issue is whether they care that it hurts you.
5. You feel like you’re not your true self around them
- Most common yet unnoticed red flag: constantly monitoring yourself around them to avoid a potential confrontation.
- This includes- changing tone, words you use, your passion, avoiding sharing your true opinion, or maybe constantly rethinking what you have said.
- It creates a constant feeling of being on edge internally.
In the end, the psychotherapist reminded that these signs do not inherently make your partner a bad person; they still need to be noticed and addressed so that the relationship does not turn toxic over time.
“Healthy, secure relationships do give plenty of space for directness, respect, freedom, and a sense of emotional vulnerability,” Mehta said, outlining the key requirements of a healthy relationship.
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.
